Nearly eight years on and the shadow of grief follows me everywhere. It’s part of me now and I’ve accepted it. I can’t imagine my life without it. Sometimes this shadow overwhelms me with sadness, but mostly it gives me comfort. Sometimes this shadow fills me with unconditional love, and I really feel connected to my son Matthew. Me and my shadow, we come as a pair.
I often wonder how I got here. I continue to have moments of disbelief, and sometimes I still ask myself, “How did this happen to our family?”
My grief began well before Matthew died on the 28th of October 2016. Anticipatory grief kicked in as each new stage of his illness took more of him away. I didn’t know anticipatory grief was a thing at the time, but I felt it, not knowing it had a label.
Anticipatory grief
This unique type of grief often occurs when an individual knows that someone they care about is dying, such as when a person is diagnosed with a terminal illness or dementia. It can be a challenging and complex experience as individuals attempt to cope with their own emotions and navigate the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
The grief that followed Matthew’s death is difficult to put into words. There are so many labels out there. Here’s just a few:
Absent grief
Anticipatory grief
Delayed grief
Complicated grief
Cumulative grief
Disenfranchised grief
Normal grief
Chronic grief
Masked grief
Collective grief
Inhibited grief
Ambiguous grief
The list goes on!
I personally don’t like labels. I prefer to notice how I feel from one moment to another and from one day to the next. Grief ebbs and wains and it’s important to feel it in the moment, allow it to be there, communicate with it and process it.
While grief may seem senseless and overwhelming at times, finding purpose and meaning in the grieving process has provided me with solace and direction. It’s through my pain and loss that I discovered a deeper connection to the world. By embracing the journey with an open heart and mind, it has led me to profound insights and added a renewed sense of meaning to my life.
Here I am, nearly eight years after Matthew’s death, and I’ve written two books about grief and produced a podcast called, A Gift For Grief. I feel guided by him, and this gives me strength.
Eight years of grief underscores the resilience of the human spirit in the face of loss, and the transformative power of healing. Through this journey we discover that while the pain may never fully fade, it can be a catalyst for personal growth, resilience, and a deeper appreciation for the beauty of life. I now honour Matthew by helping others using my grief experience and bereavement training to transform people through their darkest times.
Eight years on, I continue to keep Matthew’s memory alive through my blogs, podcast, social media posts and books. Memories of Matthew are like precious jewels, and they ensure he will always be a part of my life.
The memories are the gifts he left behind for me to keep!
My garden of grief.
Some people survive and talk about it.
Some people survive and go silent.
Some people survive and create.
Everyone deals with unimaginable pain in their own way, and everyone is entitled to that, without judgement.
So, the next time you look at someone’s life covetously, remember… You may not want to endure what they are enduring right now, at this moment, whilst they sit so quietly before you, looking like a calm ocean on a sunny day.
By Nikita Gill
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