Writing a letter to your loved one is a very healing act and one of the many ways to help process grief and loss.

We are all haunted by the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’ thoughts that follow the death of a loved one and is there ever enough time to tell them everything we want them to know? If we could just have one more conversation or one more moment, what would we say? What would we do?

Writing to your loved one gives you the space to make this happen.

Writing to Matthew was incredibly therapeutic for me. It not only created a healthy connection to him, it also stopped me focusing on the loss and emptiness of my grief experience. I wrote over a hundred letters which you can read in my book, Letters to Matthew, and each one helped me to process my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t write letters anymore because I now talk to him as if he is still here. I know you probably think I am bonkers, but he is still part of my life and he always will be. Perhaps some people will see that as, not letting him go, or that I have not accepted his passing, but that’s not true. For me it’s about acknowledging there is only physical death and that his consciousness lives on.

If you would like to write a letter to your loved one, I recommend choosing a time when you will not be disturbed. Create a sacred space by lighting a candle and place a photograph of your loved one on the table. You could also add a personal item such as their watch or an item of their clothing, but if you haven’t got any personal items or a photograph, a candle will suffice.

Make yourself a drink, sit down with a pen and writing paper and take some slow deep cleansing breathes in and out. You may like to play some of their favourite music, or you may prefer to sit in the silence. Do what feels right for you. Tune into your thoughts and feelings and think about what you would like to say to your loved one. Imagine they’ve just moved away, and they live at a different address now called heaven or angelville or paradise or infinite consciousness; whatever works for you. If you do not believe in an afterlife, you can still write them a letter. There are no rules!

Tell them how much you love and miss them. Explain how hard it has been since they left. If you’re angry, tell them. If you’re broken and in pieces, tell them. Tell them everything.  Nobody else needs to read this letter. It is an intimate and loving act between you and your loved one. Writing down your thoughts and feelings may seem awkward at first but allow the words to just flow. Tell them how proud you are of them and explain how much you’ve grown and changed. Tell them how you continue to honour their memory. Explain how they are still part of your life and always will be. Nobody can break the bond you share.

When your letter is finished, read it out loud and imagine your loved one is with you and allow your emotions to flow.

What you do with your letter after this is up to you. You can burn it, or you can keep it under your pillow or maybe choose your favourite photograph of them and slip it in the back of the frame. The choice is yours.

What Is Dying?

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon,
and someone at my side says, “She is gone”.
Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all;
She is just as large as when I saw her.
The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her,
and just at the moment when someone at my side says, “she is gone”,
there are others who are watching her coming,
and other voices take up the glad shout, “there she comes!”
And that is dying.

Bishop Brent

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