Before Matthew was diagnosed with cancer, my life was perfect. I describe those days as B.C. – before cancer and these days as A.D. – after death!

I feel like a different person now, but grief and loss does change us. We cannot go through this journey and remain the same, but we do have a choice in how we decide to move forward.

I remember a time in my life B.C. (before cancer) when everything was so exciting and full of possibilities and I would wake up each morning and think, “how much better can my life get?” I had worked hard to get myself to this good place and it took years of self-development.

Being a therapist, I loved learning new ways to help my clients and in learning these new ways, it helped me too. Over time I became more confident and I learned to love and accept the person I had become. Occasionally my inner child reminded me that there was more work to do, but we’re all a work in progress!

Life A.D. (after death) of Matthew has been so challenging and I’m trying very hard to get back to that exciting, passionate place of infinite possibilities. It just seems wrong to be there now Matthew isn’t around, but this morning I had an ‘aha’ moment. I was daydreaming about practising my attitude of gratitude again and remembering how great my life was B.C. and then I noticed my thoughts. “How can you be grateful for your life after what you’ve been through – you are a heartless person to be grateful for this – you’ll never be that happy again – it’s all bollocks – get with the real world………” and my thoughts went on and on and on! I could feel myself slowly sinking back into life A.D. Matthew.

When I became awake to these thoughts, I wondered what Matthew would say if he knew what was going on in my head. My imagination pictured him laughing and saying, “come on mum – get with it – this isn’t you – you’re the positive one – it’s okay to be grateful – I want you to enjoy your life again – Stop wasting precious time on negative thinking.”

Well, thank you Matthew, my attitude of gratitude is going to another level and I am going to include you in my affirmations from now on.

Here goes……..

“Matthew today – I am grateful for the blue sky.”

“Matthew today – I am grateful for the beauty of a deep winter’s frost.”

“Matthew – I am grateful for this moment.”

Life A.D. Matthew, can be whatever I choose it to be!

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