I Am Transforming:
2014 was a life-changing year for me.
I was in a place where I felt happy with my relationships, I was content in my work as a complementary therapist and I was a proud mum of two incredible human beings. My daughter had already flown the nest and my son was about to fledge and I was looking forward to a new era with my hubby Bill when it would be just the two of us again. We could have romantic meals without being disturbed and the house would stay tidy. Our future was looking even more exciting! I was in a great place mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. My life was perfect, and my mantra was, “How much better can it get?”
I call those days BC – Before Cancer.
I also remember thinking, ‘What if?’ What if something comes along and spoils my happiness? I was worried that there was something dark just around the corner. I confided in my spiritual friend that I could feel a shift occurring. I could sense the ground shaking beneath me, and it was as if something inside me knew what was coming.
Dr. Brene Brown explains that joy is the most difficult and terrifying emotion because when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, our joy becomes foreboding.
I kept putting any insecure thoughts out of my mind knowing that everyone gets these thoughts from time to time, but deep inside I knew. I could feel it!
Later that year my son was told he had stage 4 papillary renal cell carcinoma – he had cancer – and in that moment, our worlds collapsed. This was followed by over two years of anguish, anxiety, fear, operations, endless medical stuff and we learned new words like ‘scanxiety’. During this time I looked at anything that could potentially support Matthew’s recovery and I became ‘a mum on a mission’.
I meditated, I wrote affirmations, I used crystals, reiki, reflexology, EFT, etc. I asked the universe to guide me. I researched the best foods to eat, the best supplements to take, the best treatments to have. I juiced vegetables, I sourced illegal cannabis oil, I begged the angels and God to heal my son. In fact, I investigated every alternative and complementary protocol out there to save him. These things worked for some people so I believed they could work for my son too.
Unfortunately, nothing worked and Matthew died on the afternoon of Friday 28th October 2016 aged 27 years of age.
I call these days AD – After Death.
I often think about my ‘mum on a mission days’ in search of the cure. I had left no stone unturned in my pursuit and nobody else could have tried harder to keep my son alive. Why should I now trust in any alternative or complementary protocol or the universe or the angels or God again, because they didn’t help?
Well today, I still meditate. I continue to practise my positive affirmations. I still believe in crystals, reiki, reflexology, EFT etc. I continue to eat healthily and I still talk to the universe. The cannabis oil is all gone and……..I still believe in the angels and God or some sort of higher power, but ‘the mission’ is over.
I have a deeper understanding now that Matthew’s journey was not something I could control, and that was hard to accept.
I live in hope that his journey and eventual death was maybe part of a soul contract arranged between us before we were born. Perhaps other people close to Matthew were part of that soul group too and we came here for this ride.
I am learning that life is as it should be.
I am learning to trust that all is well.
I am still learning.
I am not grieving – I am transforming.
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