I’ve been feeling slightly melancholic these last few days and I can’t quite put my finger on when it started. I can feel my tears brimming just under the surface, but I haven’t given myself space to let them flow; it’s been easier to suppress them. My mind is in automatic pilot and I have allowed it to run riot once again. This is a dangerous place to be because I might drop my grief bomb. When I hear people discussing everyday mundane stuff like the latest episode of Coronation Street or Brexit or the X factor…….I want to scream, “REMEMBER MY SON DIED!” My grief bomb would certainly be a conversation killer.
“I must make more time to express my sadness” I hear myself thinking!
Bereavement is not a straight line so when I find myself in these periods of sadness, I allow it to happen, knowing it won’t be forever. It’s okay to feel like this from time to time but it’s important to acknowledge it and allow myself to feel it.
These particularly heavy grief periods are part of the process and completely normal, but I do believe it is important to become aware of what’s going on. When we become fully mindful of these thoughts and feelings and accept them, we can then choose how to react. To not notice what’s going on inside, we can become more and more wrapped up in the melancholy energy and before we know it, days, months or possibly years have passed by. Depression is waiting in the wings of melancholy and if we don’t see it coming, we can get sucked in.
As a therapist I have many tools in my tool kit to deal with how I am thinking and feeling but if I hadn’t noticed it in the first place, my tools would have just sat there unused.
I will start by sending love to my melancholy. I will allow it to be there and I will welcome it in. I will say, “Welcome to my body, you can stay as long as you like, I love you.” Melancholy is a message from my body guiding me to notice what’s going on and I’m listening now. I’m listening very carefully and I’m grateful for the message. Just noticing it can be enough for the melancholy to dissipate and as I write this blog about it, I can already feel the contrast. I am making peace with each letter as I type.
Now to deal with my grief bomb. I can deactivate it through Tapping Therapy (EFT) but first I need to find out what it consists of. I suspect there is anger because I typed REMEMBER MY SON DIED in shouting capitals. I need to figure out what else is inside before I render the bomb safe. Once I feel the bomb is safe maybe I will do a visualisation and turn it into a chocolate bomb. That is a much safer and much more delicious bomb to carry around or maybe I could take it somewhere safe where the bomb disposal team can blow it up. Even better, I could imagine a cartoon bomb! My imagination is running wild with all sorts of crazy and funny scenarios.
Two years and three months down the line and I am still a work in progress, and that’s okay.
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