When I was eleven years old the unexpected death of my eldest brother changed my family forever. To see and hear my parents so distraught seemed more upsetting to me than the sad fact that my brother had died. I didn’t understand death as I hadn’t experienced it before, and I only saw him last night, so how could I miss him? What I remember most about that time, was how upset people were. The constant flow of crying visitors with their kind words of condolences seemed never-ending for days, so I knew this was big stuff, but I just didn’t understand it. This was the only time in my life that I wanted to go to school. I believed that school would be an escape away from all the sadness that had taken over my home life. This experience taught me that adults find dying incredibly sad and it wasn’t until I was much older that I really started to grieve for my brother.

Grief has visited me a few times since then due to other losses, but when my son Matthew passed away, the pain of his loss took me to a new level of sadness. For a while, I created self-tormenting programmes and thoughts such as, “what if?” or “if only?” I found myself focusing on the last few weeks of illness and the negative memories associated with Matthew’s death. I also worried that if I stopped grieving, it would mean I no longer cared or loved Matthew anymore.  I created distractions and started painting and decorating the house, but others maybe choose cigarettes, alcohol, food, TV, work, drugs etc.

I learned that grief is not a state on its own but a combination of different emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt, etc. It harbours pain, shock, trauma, anxiety, overwhelm, confusion and even feelings that have no label.

Grief is not something to get over or release and although it is not a mental illness it can very easily lead to one. Grief is something which needs to be processed and incorporated into our lives and for me, it feels like it will always be there, and I am growing around it.

There are no rules to bereavement but there are many aspects that can influence a person’s experience including their belief system, personality, culture, background and maybe their previous experiences of grief.

Sometimes people turn a happy memory of their loved one into a sad one by attaching the sadness they feel from their present-day grief, onto that happy memory, even though, when that happy memory was created, they were not grieving. I know I did this and sometimes I still catch myself doing it.

It is possible to remember the good memories without the sadness of the present-day grief, but only we can make that happen. No one else can do this for us. These memories are the gifts they have left behind for us to keep. Let’s honour our loved ones by connecting and remembering the good times, the laughter, the smiles, the special moments because this will send them peace beyond belief.

Time is not the healer; we are!

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