It’s no secret that some marriages fail after the loss of a child and I completely understand why. The death of a child turns your world upside down and changes you. Although you are the same people, you’re different and you have to get to know each other again under one of the most difficult times imaginable.

After Matthew died, I needed to talk about it, but Bill didn’t. I would get upset at random things and Bill would say, “Why are you getting upset about that?” I would answer him by asking, “Why are you NOT getting upset about that?” We both did grief very differently!

I remember saying to him one day, “you just don’t understand,” and he looked at me and instantly I knew he did understand. We were both hurting inside but showing it in different ways.

Bill’s coping strategy was to go to work and keep himself busy. He would look for any distraction to avoid alone time. Sometimes it felt like it was me he was avoiding but he was actually avoiding being alone with himself.

I wanted deep and meaningful conversations and I wanted to talk about how I felt. I wanted to spend time with Bill and the rescuer in me wanted to help him too. Bill found this very difficult and being busy was an easier option. I know I can be a bit intense sometimes!

Over the years people do change and grow in different directions and break ups are part of life. We had grown together supporting each other in our various interests and we became more in love with each other with every passing year. When Matthew died, we found ourselves in this new vortex of high emotions and we couldn’t support ourselves let alone support each other. After a while, I noticed we were just going through the motions. We were both so wrapped up in our pain we stopped reaching out to each other. Going through grief together felt like a blessing and a curse. A blessing that we weren’t going through it alone and a curse because we couldn’t help each other.

Fortunately, we survived this dark period and we understand each other’s needs more now. I recognise when Bill needs his space and he recognises when I need to talk. We intuitively know when we need to be held and we are closer now than ever.

Losing a child is the hardest thing a couple can experience but we have learned to check in with each other on a regular basis. Communication is the key. We share our feelings much more now and we have developed a deep extrasensory skill. We intuitively know how each other feels but most importantly, we know this experience will make us stronger.

Love always shines through.

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