Matthew’s two year anniversary

Today feels like perfect timing to send my book proposal into Hay House Publishing and I spent most of the morning making sure it was all in order. It’s taken me a couple of weeks to put the proposal together but today’s the day! I felt a great sense of achievement when I pressed the send tab and also a massive relief. It’s been a two year project of which I have poured my heart and soul into. I sent it with love and peace in my heart and my hope is that it is received well.

It does feel like two years since Matthew died, although I can’t understand why I am more upset this year compared to last year. Perhaps it’s because I am so tired. The clocks went back last night, and we got an extra hour but that’s not great when you can’t sleep. This grief experience just refuses to let you sleep sometimes. It could also be something to do with the date!

After lunch I spent some time in the garden, cutting the grass, tidying up and enjoying the late October sunshine. My thoughts kept transporting me back to Matthew’s last day in the hospice and how it unfolded moment by moment. My mind wanted to relive it all again. Why do these anniversaries create such overwhelming thoughts and emotions? I had to keep reminding myself, ‘it’s not happening now, it’s just a memory’. I consciously focused my attention on how lovely our garden looked, observing the array of wonderful autumnal colours around me. I sensed the end of summer in the air and I felt the gentle warmth of a late October sun on my skin. While I was busy in the garden, my mind kept searching for references to think about Matthew and his last day here on earth but I refused to be drawn into the trance of sadness. It’s just another day!

When I finished outside, I came back into the house and looked at the clock for the first time since this morning and the synchronicity blew me away – Five past three. 15-05 was the time Matthew died, so is this a sign that he is still with me? It was the first time I had looked at the clock all day. Was that his way of communicating to me that all is well in his world? I like to think so.

“I am in you and you in me, mutual in divine love.” William Blake

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